Ok so the rest of the day wasnt so bad but I have my doubts…
When we talked i kept talking of the future.. because in all honesnity I still think we are together and we have a chance…
So I kept bringing up the future and maybe little dates we can go on and stuff nothing to serious like we use to talk about, but just little things. Like going to the movies or to a mall, and to my friends Musical coming up in July.
She didnt like it…and it must of set something off cuz next thing I know we are fighting…
and I dont want to fight
I finally told her what I wanted to do
that is stay her with her even if Im sleeping on the futon the whole time,because I see her SCREAMING for help and with no one answering..and if they do its only when they want to, or for a day or a hour…its nothing like she needs!
So I want to be here for her as her friend because in all reality that is what I am
and I just want to help her..not for US but for her..
and then soon we can work on us..
now I would be a
if I said I didnt have thoughts of her needing some company and asking me to cuddle with her, or give her a kiss or a hug..
my main concern is being her for a pair of ears for her to talk to, or a punching bag, or a shoulder to try on..
so I kept fighting and fighting with her..till
and I felt bad because I feel like she thought I was brow beating her till she gave into me!
I felt like she thought I gave her no other choice!
but thats not it..
so i called a friend..
and he said that I am not crazy and I did the right thing and my heart is in the right place..so I shouldnt fret too much..
he also said that he wanted to talk to her because he just wants her to know that he and his wife are there for her even if we arent together…
that is a friend
and She is over here saying she is a screwed up person and a horrible friend because when
SHE DID REACH OUT
to a friend they ran away…they dont want to help her…
what kind of PIECE OF SHIT are you!?!?
How can you call yourself a friend…or even a decent person?
you wont help someone who is trusting in you…and they are pleading with you!?!
well then I think..well She doesnt want YOUR help..is she just as awful as a person…
No she isnt..because we have a history and I understand why she doesnt want me there..I do..it hurts me but I do..
why would you want someone there who reminds you so much of the person you want to mourn over?
why would you want to be with someone you hurt so badly?
Why would you want to torture that person even more…
but I dont care..
I always told myself I would walk through hell and back for her..
I would wake up in the middle of the night roll over see her sleeping…probably fighting some demons in her head..but she looked so peaceful…I would say
I am going to protect you..
I am going to be strong for you..
I am never going to give up on you..
and I plan to hold true to that!
I love her and I will fight for her
even if its with her haha..
Ok I think that is it…Teddy just fell over on me so I need to take care of him..
Ok so today was intersting….I had to wake up at 815am so I could get my place sprayed…but they didnt come till 1130…so that sucked.
Then I got to talk to her…and it was good…I broke down for the first time in a couple of days, but it was quick and wasnt that bad.
As we talked I felt better, stronger, head over heals in love lol what have you.
And as we talked I tried to tell her what I really want to do, how I really want to be there for her,and I felt a little nibble, an almost bite, of her wanting to take it.
Then I backed off…cuz I know she can persuaded very easily, and the fact that she still has many feelings for me so it would be all so easy.
I dont want that…I want her to want me in her life. I want her to know that I will be there to listen, be there for a hug, a punching bag.
I want her to know that even though we had this little snag and even though I said such hateful things, that I still love her. I feel stupid for doing that!
I want her to help her through this anyway that I can..and that even means me moving to KC and leaving her alone…
We talked about her coming here and talking in person, and I would love that…but the more I think about it, the more I know it probably wont happen…and if it does it probably wont go the way I want it to.
I want her better
I want to be part of her life…
if I have to be part of her life by being an hour and thirty minutes away
then goddamnit I will do it!
There did you hear it!
I will do it!
she expressed to me that she is scared that it will take her a long time to get over this and that I will move on and not want her…
yes I have thought of that..and it scares me..
I cant wait forever..
and I cant do nothing for my life…
but I want to wait for her
I want to sit alone and just get cats and cry myself to sleep till she is better
I want to get stronger for her
I want to wait for her
I want to marry her
I want to have kids with her
I want to see her smile again
I want to play with her belly button again
I want to look her and have her look at me and think to myself..I can do this thing called life..
I can do this…
I love you…know this please…
I want to talk…
and secretly I want to talk to you and persuade you into letting me stay with you
while today was the first day I actually forced myself to sleep in, getting more than 4 hours of sleep.
And today was the first day I actually had the drive to work on a recording project, even though it was for her.
And today was the first day in two weeks that I have left this apt, that I can no longer call mine. It sucked cuz it was in 100 degree weather, and when I got to the studio…I couldnt get in…which is great…all of that sweat and being miserable was for nothing.
All of that sucked lol and what hurt even more…was the fact she didnt talk to me, only to ask me about a radio station..and for my account number.
I broke down and texted her saying I couldnt do this not talking to her, and she texted back and felt sorry for me and said we could talk if I wanted to. Well I do..but I want you to more, I want you to want to talk to me…but you really dont want to.
You really do just want to drop me out of your life till you get over this.
Even though you said you wanted to marry me you want to leave me out of the most important part of your life, to date.
This is not good lol
Then I watched South Park, and it was about Token, the black kid, not wanting to be with a new girl who also was black. How Cartmen got them together but they were afraid people were going talk about them because it was just another black couple. It was poking fun at people who dont like interracial couples…we would of laughed so hard and had so much fun with that episode…but we couldnt..cuz she doesnt want to.
Now I have to move back to KC for good, and get a job and move on with my life..to do what? I dont know…
All of my dreams seemed so easy with her, seemed like I could lean on her and she would lift me up and keep me going, but not anymore. And if she does say something..it has little meaning…how can it have the full affect if sheisnt with me? How can I trusther with all of my dreams and hopes and my love…? I dont know…
welp that is it for my sad pathetic rant, that no one will read..but it helps maybe 5% so that is a step forward…
here is a quote Cartmen kind of said:
Sometimes love is hard, and dont let the world dictate who you are and who you should be with, and be strong.
here is to another night alone…with pizza…and I got some pop..so yay…